


It Rains and It Pours (When You're Out on Your Own)

by WhereverMySITakesMe



Category: Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Barriss Offee Gets a Hug, Barriss Offee Needs a Hug, Chronic Pain, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Inquisitor Barriss Offee, Nerve Damage
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-24
Updated: 2020-12-24
Packaged: 2021-03-10 22:48:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,055
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28294821
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhereverMySITakesMe/pseuds/WhereverMySITakesMe
Summary: The Inquisition are brutal. Not just to their enemies, but to their own agents. How can anyone escape when they're worn down and burnt out? Who would give one of them a better option?
Relationships: Barriss Offee/Ahsoka Tano
Comments: 6
Kudos: 71





	It Rains and It Pours (When You're Out on Your Own)

_Give me a shot to remember  
And you can take all the pain away from me  
A kiss and I will surrender  
The sharpest lives are the deadliest to lead _

* * *

Pain.

It’s Barriss’ constant companion, has been for so long that she can’t remember life without it. Pain is how the Inquisition educates, ensures obedience, resolves disputes between agents. And Barriss suspects that the Grand Inquisitor hurts her simply for the fun of it. She shouldn’t put up with that but she can’t think of any way to stop him other than hurting him in return and that seems pointless. She doesn’t have the energy for it. The pain saps at her strength and her ability care. (Things were different among the Jedi.)

The pain was how the Empire introduced itself to her. No explanation, no chance to change sides out of her own free will. Instead they drugged her and moved her to a new cell. One with an electrifiable grid on the floor.

Someone -she never found out who- asked questions over the intercom. Gave commands. Recited what she later learns is the Sith code. Made her repeat it. Shocked her when she refused. Shocked her if she gave the wrong answers. Shocked her at random.

Her defences were already shattered when they told her about the Jedi, the Empire, the Inquisition. A transparently one sided story, perhaps out right lies, but it’s the only story anyone told her and she didn’t have the energy or presence of mind to try to puzzle out the truth.

They had left her no choice.

Now, when she fails a mission, whether or not it was her fault, they put her back in that cell. If she tries to betray the Empire or the Inquisition, they will leave her their forever.

Even outside of the torture chamber the pain doesn’t end. Flares of the same white-hot agony shoot through her body at random. Nerve damage. It will never leave her. And nor will the torture chamber. She never sleeps soundly again, always returning to that room. That voice. That pain. The taste of blood from her bitten tongue. The words of their Code. Her Code. Waking screaming cuts into her already too short sleeping hours.

And she badly needs the rest. Missions exhaust her, in a way they didn’t before, and leave her with an ache that began in her spine and then gradually spread to every muscle in her body. Maybe the Inquistion push her harder and give her less time to recover. Maybe her new sabre is heavier and her new fighting style puts more stress on her body. Maybe she’s ageing (how old is she now?). Maybe it was like this before and she just doesn’t remember. It’s hard to picture her old life now, even when there are reminders of it.

If hearing Ahsoka’s name hurts, the pain doesn’t register. It’s just another name, another Jedi, another mission. (If she thinks about Ahsoka for too long her legs might just collapse under her.)

A mission she isn’t sent on. Perhaps it’s a coincidence. Perhaps someone knows what used to be between them. She's too tired to care. The Inquistion send her across the galaxy to quash a rebel cell. So she goes, she fights, she quashes, (she kills), she searches for a Jedi, her spine tries to claw its way out of her body.

She comes back- Jediless -to hear Ahsoka’s name on everyone’s lips. Ahsoka killed two Inquisitors. Ahsoka fought Darth Vader. Ahsoka ran again. Ahsoka, Ahsoka, Ahsoka. Barriss hears the name so many times that her heart starts beating to that rhythm, sending sparks of pain to her fingertips. Ahsoka, Ahsoka, Ahsoka.

Ahsoka is their highest priority. They’re all sent to looks for her. Ever obedient, Barriss goes. She searches. Stalks the run down streets of barren planets. Threatens vagabonds and Bounty Hunters and wanderers. Manipulates minds. Doesn’t think about what she’s doing.

And she succeeds. The odds were against it (was the Force guiding her? Could the Force guide her, even now?) but somehow, she finds herself standing opposite Ahsoka in a wide, empty wasteland of a planet, lit sabres in their hands.

Inside her chest Barriss’s heart aches with guilt, regret and longing. It’s a trivial sensation, compared to all the other pains vying for her attention.

(The why is it so insistent?)

“I thought you were against all of this” Ahsoka says “War, violence, the darkside”

“We have no choice. The Rebellion forces our hand” Barriss’ lightsabre trembles as pain ricochets through her body. Normally, she’s stronger than this. If anyone had seen her slip, she would have been punished (with more shocks that would only make her tremors worse and they **know** that).

“That’s not true and you know it.” Ahsoka’s tone is kind but Barriss can hear the anger underneath “The Empire are oppressive, violent and cruel”

(So very cruel)

“I’m not here to argue with you about philosophy” Barriss says

(Then why was she here?)

“Then why are you here?” Ahsoka asks

To kill a rebel and a traitor, Barriss doesn’t say. She doesn’t say anything

Nor does Ahsoka. For a long minute she stares at Barriss, as though her eyes can peel back the years and see her for who she used to me. The girl Barriss can barely remember.

“You’re hurt” Ahsooka says, finally, her voice still gratingly gentle.

“I can fight”

“I’m sure you can”

Barriss’ hand shakes again “After what I did to you, you should be eager to fight me. You could have died because of me”

“That was a long time ago” (How long?) “And revenge is not the Jedi way”

“Neither of us are Jedi”

“It’s not my way either. The rebellion practices forgiveness”

“The Inquisition practices” Torture “Efficiency”

“At what cost?”

The integrity of Barriss’ nerves. Her ability to sleep. Years of her life lost in blur of pain and violence. A bolus of pain rises in her throat and comes out in a noise almost like a sob.

Ahsoka’s face lights up with concern and sympathy. And it’s genuine, Barriss can sense those emotions in Ahsoka’s mind. And it _hurts_. It hurts so much that Ahsoka still cares, that anyone cares, that anyone wants Barriss not to hurt every moment of her life.

Ahsoka opens her mouth to speak again but Barriss cuts her off, surprising them both “Get me away from them” Her voice shakes and cracks “I’ll do anything”

She stays upright, rigid with fear (and hope) as Ahsoka probes her mind, searching for a lie, a trap. Her touch is gentle and Barriss doesn’t resist. When she's satisfied, she pulls back, saying “You can stay. I’ll keep you safe. You don’t have to do anything.”

Barriss collapses. Her knees buckle, sending her crumpling to the ground, and her arms flail , trying to find something to grab onto, but there’s nothing in this desert to stop her fall. She braces herself against the pain that will come when her body hits the ground and jars her already sore joints.

Ahsoka moves too quickly, drawing on the Force to speed her, and catches Barriss moments before she reaches the ground. “Easy, I’ve got you” The care in her voice is obvious.

They’re in an awkward position, Ahsoka halfway between crouching and kneeling and Barriss with her limbs splayed and her torso cradled in Ahsoka’s arms. For a moment, they’re frozen. It would be easy to move closer, for Ahsoka to sink onto her knees and pull Barriss to her chest. To hold her close, even kiss her.

But they aren’t ready for that, not yet. Ahsoka stands, draping one of Barriss’ arms over her shoulders and helping her to her feet “Can you walk?”

Barriss snorts out a laugh “I came here ready for combat”

Ahsoka doesn’t smile “They ran you into the ground”

Barriss laughes again, but it comes out hollow “And past it”

“There’s a safehouse nearby. You can rest there.” Ahsoka says as she begins to walk, still taking most of Barriss’ weight.

Even with Ahsoka’s support Barriss’s feet are dragging and she stumbles over every rock and clump of dirt. The stupid, heavy lightsabre slips from her fingers. She doesn’t know if Ahsoka catches it or if it gets left behind in the dirt. Now that the adrenaline that was keeping her upright has started to dissipate the pain is worse, a straightjacket of agony that solidifies with every step. She isn’t going to make it.

“I’ll carry you, if I have to” Ahsoka says, sensing the other woman’s discomfort.

Barriss smiles weakly, keeping her focus on the ground beneath her feet.

“You’re going to be okay. I’ll sort everything out. I’ll protect you, I’ll vouch for you” Ahsoka keeps talking, trying to provide comfort and reassurance.

Barriss doesn’t need or want comforting. “I’m fine, Ahsoka”

“You really aren’t. I’m not confident that you don’t need to see a doctor”

“I don’t need to see anyone. The Inquisition kept me in good health. I just...ache” Barriss hasn’t the heart or the energy to explain her untreatable nerve damage

Ahsoka says nothing but her suspicion is palpable.

“Really.” Barriss insists “A hot bath and I’ll be back to normal” (Is it a lie if there’s no chance that Ahsoka will believe her?)

“Then I’ll get you a bath” Ahsoka promises. Barriss doubts that will be any time soon. The safehouse probably doesn’t even have water showers, just sonics. Barriss can’t remember when she last **saw** a bath or whether she’s ever had one and she isn’t sure where the idea came from. A lot of things seem to be coming out of her mouth unexpectedly and unwantedly.

She could still take it back. Ahsoka’s sabres are on her belt. With her right arm around Barriss’ shoulders, it would be easy for Barriss to grab one -the larger one, giving her an edge in a fight. Perhaps even the chance to kill Ahsoka before she reacts. Ahsoka has left herself almost completely vulnerable.

Barriss won’t do it. She couldn’t even if she wanted to. (She knew that all along.) The amount of trust Ahsoka is showing, completely undeserved and stupidly risky, but so kind that it makes a lump form in Barriss' throat. Kindness, even less extreme, has become completely foreign to her. She doesn't remember how to respond or what she should do.

By the time they reach the safehouse, Barriss is a wreck, more tired than she’s ever been. She can barely take in a single detail of her surroundings. The Jedi would be disappointed. The Inquisition would be furious. Ahsoka is patient and kind.

She walks Barriss to a small room that must be her own. Barriss sinks onto the edge of the bed and begins to methodically strip off every single thing the Inquistion gave her. Ahsoka stays with her. Helps her unlace her boots when her back spasms and refuses to allow her to bend down far enough. Finds Barriss a loose linen shirt and trousers and a scarf for to tie around her head. Brings her water and tea. Offers food.

It’s thankless work. Barriss barely acknowledges her, just stares at the heap of abandoned clothes and armour on the floor. She already knows that she’s going to burn it all.

She can barely make herself speak when Ahsoka asks “Do you need anything?”

Barriss rubs her eyes as she says “Sleep” It will shut out the pain. And she’s so tired.

“Go ahead. Lie down, get some rest” Ahsoka says encoragingly “I’ll be right here”

In your bed? Where will you sleep? What time is it, even? All questions Barriss doesn’t ask. Nor does she remind Ahsoka that she’s a hardened warrior who doesn’t need the comfort of a friend’s presence (maybe because that isn’t true). Instead, she does as she’s told and stretches out, letting her head settle into the pillow. The bed is soft and smells like Ahsoka’s skin. She falls asleep almost immediately.

She sleeps the way she always sleeps, restless and tormented by nightmares. The same cell, the same words, the same screaming agony. But this time Ahsoka’s voice threads its way into her dreams.

“ _Shhh, you’re safe”_

“ _I’ve got you, you’re okay”_

“ _They’re never going to hurt you again”_


End file.
